I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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