after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
