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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

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• (201): View more from New Jersey

  On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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• (516): View more from New York

  matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  Thanks, mom.

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom

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• (415): View more from California

  There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.

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• (718): View more from New York

  GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs

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• (423): View more from Tennessee

  Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.

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• (530): View more from California

  I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"

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• (914): View more from New York

  Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.

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