ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
