wakey wakey hands off snakey
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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