I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Even my vagina gasped.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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