..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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