Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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