That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
