i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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