Sorry, I don't speak sober.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
