can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
