So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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