when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
