I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
