I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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