Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
