were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
