One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
