I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Boobs speak an international language.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
