textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I am available for nakedness
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
