I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
