I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
