It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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