Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
