i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
