This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
