This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
