I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
