Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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