If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Randomize
