Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
