That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
