So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
