My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Sorry about my life...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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