Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
