I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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