i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Randomize
