I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
