What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
