I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
