pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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