i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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