So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
