i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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