So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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