does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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