You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
