It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
