the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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