Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
