my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
