dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
