i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
